The Lies We Tell, and Live With
My own life began in a situation of dishonesty which I outlined in a previous Coromind article. My parents suddenly married and hightailed it to London so my mum could give birth to me free from prying eyes and wagging tongues and avoid the social stigma of falling pregnant before marriage. Unfortunately, the dates of their wedding and my emergence into the world were only separated by six months, so my birth was reported back to NZ by my parents as being in August instead of June, which of course led to a few documentation complications later in my life.
My parents weren’t serial liars, so they didn’t have to remember all their past lies to maintain their credibility. They only had to remember the two relevant dates concerning my birth. At age 21 however, when I needed a passport, I found out my true birth date. Mum and Dad asked me not to tell my two grandmothers when they gave me my birthday presents two months late. I agreed, but was left wondering if I was being dishonest, and I had a sneaky feeling they may have already known the truth.
There seems to be many levels of dishonesty and it’s up to each one of us to decide how far up the lie ladder we want to climb, with the different levels and situations determining the outcomes of our decisions. For example, the outcomes of the American wars in Vietnam and Iraq, which were started using dishonest so-called intelligence, were extremely dire for the thousands of people maimed or killed.
Whereas the outcome of my mother’s dishonest assertion that she didn’t know where my favourite jeans, with holes in the knees, were when I asked her, was less extreme. No life was lost, and I was able to return my jeans safely to my clothes drawer after I found them in the rubbish bin. An unfortunate outcome of course was that I could no longer trust my mum to always tell me the truth. Just one lie uncovered is all it takes.
A few of her genes must have rubbed off on me though. I remember when I was a young boy, perhaps around 10 years old, I was holidaying on my uncle and aunt’s farm in the King Country. One morning I was sitting alone in front of their fireplace and for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to carve my initials RL into the painted concrete fire surround. Well, you can imagine how I felt when Uncle Sam asked in an angry voice, “Why did you do that?” I quickly replied that it wasn’t me and heard the grunt of disgust he emitted before saying “Not many other RLs here as far as I can see.” Well, I certainly learned a lesson about fessing up that day. Despite its relatively minor nature, it has remained a life-long memory, and it definitely played a part in determining which rung of the lie ladder I would climb to in the future. Sometimes telling the whole truth can be very difficult.
Unfortunately, if we are not careful, telling one lie makes it easier for another and another to slip between our lips and before you know it you’re a bullshitter. I had a friend at university (I will call him Rupert) who was, in my opinion, nearing the middle rung, as he lied constantly, even though his lies were pretty mundane, and most of his friends knew when he was lying.
For whatever reason, Rupert would boldly say he had done something or met someone that he hadn’t, and I always wondered what he gained from it. He still had friends of course, as somehow, we accepted him as he was. When challenged about one of his falsehoods, he would just say, “Oh yes, maybe you‘re right.” So there was seldom any confrontation, mainly because his lies seemed relatively harmless.
Problems arise when the lies climb higher up the ladder. These untruths not only harm the perpetrators but also those who are lied to. If we accept one of them without question, it is easier to accept another and another, a situation we see at present in the US with MAGA supporters seemingly accepting thousands of false or misleading statements their leader espouses. When challenged about them, a MAGA supporter will fob it off with, “Oh, he’s just being Donald,” and when Donald is challenged, he lies again saying something like “I didn’t say that. It’s fake news.” So now, apart from his MAGA faithful, not many of us believe anything that comes out of his mouth.
Unfortunately, Donald’s lies, like his downplaying the seriousness of the Corona virus, or the Sharpiegate debacle on national television concerning a serious hurricane, the track of which he changed with a sharpie pen on a hurricane map, which was contrary to weather experts’ predictions, have dire effects on many people. An American author and expert on lying (not an expert liar) once said “Lying is a cooperative act. A lie has no power by its mere utterance; its power emerges when someone else agrees to believe it.” So, when, I wonder, will America wake up and evolve from MAGA into MATA (Make America Truthful Again}?
Another quote of interest was made by Albert Einstein, who said, “Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters, can’t be trusted with important matters.” This makes me remember my Mum’s harmless lies about my birth and my holey jeans, which eventually led to more consequential lies and deceptions concerning her substance abuse.
And a friend’s lies to his wife about the affairs he claimed he wasn’t having. He even told me the truth about his lovers. I can only imagine the hurt that must have caused. But was I being dishonest by not telling his wife, even though she never asked me? Sometimes a lie can be uttered in silence.
I will finish with the event which made me think about writing about this subject. While it isn’t about lying, it concerns honesty’s playmate, integrity. My partner’s 11-year-old Japanese nephew Hiroto and his three friends found a 1-yen coin while walking along the street. The Japanese are taught at an early age to be honest, so this situation caused a dilemma. Should the boys keep the coin (worth about 2 cents), or should they take it to the police station? After having a vote, they chose the latter and off they went to hand it in. The police officer told Hiroto he would need to call a parent before deciding what to do. Hiroto rang his father and said he was at the police station. Of course, his father freaked out at hearing that, until the policeman explained the situation and outlined the alternative courses of action. The police could keep the coin in case someone reported losing it, a very unlikely situation I would imagine, in which case Hiroto could return and claim the coin. Or the coin could be deposited into the ‘kokko’ which is the fund that taxes are paid into. Hiroto chose this one and was proud of the fact that at 11 years old he had started to pay tax. However, you can imagine the paperwork required to do this. Let’s hope the police saw it as a pleasant diversion from their other, likely stressful, daily duties. This incident outlines what I would call integrity, and confirms its relationship to honesty; as American psychologist Spencer Johnson wrote, “Integrity is telling myself the truth, and honesty is telling the truth to other people.” Well done, Hiroto.
Whereas the biblical quote “You shall know the truth and the truth will set you free” no doubt refers to spiritual freedom, I would suggest that it is also useful advice for everyday life. After all, remembering lies and who you have told them to together with the accompanying guilt must surely be hard work.I
Words by Ross Liggins
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