Sigh … I have spent too long trying to start this article …
Overthinking how to tap the subject lightly on the shoulder and start the conversation in my mind. Being in my 30s and in a traditional relationship, I am seeing so many different scenarios play out with my girlfriends. Observing so many life paths and supporting friends through various types of relationships has exercised my compassion and expanded my heart for those who had hoped for something that wasn’t to be.
I wanted to discuss the pros and cons of being a mother vs being child-free, but it’s extremely hard to do so without touching on more sensitive and triggering topics where choice has either been taken away or resulted in grief.
So, in an attempt to illustrate my objective as best as I can without causing harm, I’ll just tell you about a beautiful woman who consciously decided from a young age that she didn’t want children of her own and never regretted it.
Let’s call her Valerie.
With her wild grey-blonde hair, gently tamed by a puffy plait, Valerie sips on a glass of white wine. She’s at the opening of a local art exhibition, joyfully conversing with fellow art-lovers. At one point in a conversation, she pulls out her phone to show a friend some beautiful photos of her and her sister on holiday overseas. At over 60 years old, they both look stunning in their floral one pieces sitting by a pool. At one point in the conversation, she is asked if she has any children. She respectfully responds, “Oh no, no. I never wanted children and I have no regrets.” The friend supportively reacts with “Oh, congratulations!”
“Thank you! No one has ever said that to me before!” Valerie happily replies.
You see, Valerie had a rich life with a couple of very long-term relationships with partners who were supportive of her decision to be child-free. She had several nieces and nephews who she poured every ounce of love into when she visited them and paid their way on holidays whenever she could. She travelled the world and learned about different cultures, created endless art, supported local creatives and businesses in any way she could. Her priorities lay in supporting others and enjoying life the way she wanted – not in the way society expected of her.
I have, in previous articles, described the rewards of becoming a mother. I have also described the many challenges it entails. Being child-free, either by choice or not, also has its rewards and challenges – though it can be more challenging for those for whom the outcome has not been by choice. Women have so much more freedom now than ever to build the type of family they want but every result comes at a cost.
There is no such thing as ‘having it all’ at the same time. Life happens in seasons. From experiencing moments of loneliness and grief, to feeling burnt out and over-stimulated – there’s always something that makes us feel like the grass would be so much greener on the other side.
And while sometimes we may question our own life choices, especially ones we can no longer change, I believe there are no real right or wrong choices when it comes to choosing (if you have the choice) to become a mother. There is just a choice. And either one can be a choice choice (see what I did there?).
To be honest with you, it pisses me off when I hear people still using the term ‘childless’ as an insult to women. It implies that they didn’t try or want children and that their value lies in being a human reproduction machine. This is inhumane, outdated and adds to the tidal wave of ridiculous expectations that women still face today – but that is another rant for another day. Not every woman needs to be a mother. But every child deserves dedicated, loving parents or parental figures. End of.
Words by Elvisa Van Der Leden
