Becoming a parent is like going through a second puberty. You can know all the theories, but nothing can prepare you for the lived experience.
It can unveil things about you that you weren’t aware of. It can test your relationships. And while each overall journey is different to the next, there are many shared moments and feelings between all parents. It can feel like you’ve joined a secret club – particularly when you become a mother.
My previous write-up on postpartum motherhood was marinated in a mildly despondent tone, one which seemed to resonate with many other mums. While the article captured that moment of how I was feeling at that time, and while many other mums can relate, they understand that it was only a moment – one of the many moments that make up the emotional spectrum that tracks the rollercoaster ride that is motherhood. Ironically, I became pregnant again shortly after that article was published – on purpose! After having a hospital birth with a series of interventions including an epidural, I got a second chance at a home water birth which I was lucky enough to achieve after months of mental work and under the supervision of two very wise midwives. It was everything I had hoped for – yet I’m grateful to have two very different birth experiences to reflect on and share with others. But while I got my much desired home birth, breastfeeding for both my sons has been a huge challenge. Both went on nursing strikes (refused the breast) and my supply has not been the best. But it is what it is.
How a mother births or feeds her baby is not a reflection of how good a mother she is. Every new mum struggles with one thing or another. Whether it is the birth not going to plan, not being able to breastfeed, having to go straight back to work, not having a village or family support, physical or mental health issues – there are so many different types of hurdles for new mothers and they’re pretty difficult to leap over with such a weak pelvic floor.
What I have found solace in is knowing that I’m not alone. As a way to provide raw insight to my non-parent friends on social media, I shared some of my experiences on Instagram stories – the funny and not so funny realities of parenting. They say social media is generally a ‘highlight reel’, a heavily filtered version of our lives. But I decided to share moments of my painful contractions during labour and explained how I was breathing through them. I explained why I was pumping my breast milk and what a nursing strike is. I share the literal messy parts of parenting – finding humour in the process of letting go of control. Thankfully, I get so much positive feedback from parents who can relate (fellow mothers have quietly shared with me their own birth and breastfeeding stories) and non-parents who genuinely appreciate the insights.
I’m extremely lucky to have so much family support, including a hands-on husband who loves taking care of his children. As I’ve shared previously, I have moments of insecurity and yearning for a bit of freedom as most parents do – but I wouldn’t trade anything for the beautiful whānau I have literally grown with my body. If anyone ever tells me to grow some balls, at least I can say I already have – two sets actually.
Words by Elvisa Van Der Leden
