HorrorScopes

Aries (Ram): March 21–April 19
Arie-Fairies bewarethis month you will be afflicted by the subtle meddling of ghosts.

As the night shadows fall, that creak in the ceiling you hear, the one slightly louder than the others right as you’re about to fall asleep, is actually the workings of a mystic phantasm who intends to creak again in a few minutes.

Taurus (Bull): April 20–May 20
Taurus brethren, I am afraid to say it, you are in for a devilish end. In order for your bull-headed nature to be purified, you must be sacrificed. It’s that simple.

The next lightning storm in your area is set to ignite the juices in the mind of Frankenstein. He is in need of new earlobes … and yours look rather fetching. You’re welcome for the morbid compliment.

Gemini (Twins): May 21–June 21
Gemini folk will find the horror-day season quite mundane, as your community will be afflicted by the essence of the one and only Loch Ness Monster.

This means your friends and loved ones will regularly bring up uninteresting conspiracy theory bollocks about things you have little interest in.

Cancer (Crab): June 22–July 22
If you thought your week sucked already, just wait till The Count has his way with you.

Whatever your blood type, he is more than willing to take his fill. Beware the thinly veiled offer of a hickey and make sure to pocket a bulb or two of fresh pungent garlic.

Leo (Lion): July 23–August 22
Hey, did you just see that inanimate pumpkin lantern? I swear it’s just like the one you saw earlier. You know, the one with the burning eyes and tacky zig-zag smile. Wait, does it seem like it’s looking at you funny? Yeah, it seems to be following you with its Satan’s-gaze. It’s a good thing you aren’t paranoid or anything … this is normal … it’s just a hollow squash, right? … right?

Virgo (Virgin): August 23–September 22
Virgos are basically stuffed this month. The Boogie Man doesn’t forgive even the slightest rule-breaking. Did you take that pen home with you? He doesn’t care if it was a mistake.

Get your affairs in order and write those letters you’ve been meaning to write. Your days are numbered. In single digits. Boogie’s coming for you. Bugger.

Libra (Balance): September 23–October 23
Witches are coming after you – and I don’t mean those weird-as-shit ones from those musicals (yup, there are multiple). I mean The Witches, like from Roald Dahl books. Those ladies are freaky as! Like, when they tear off their human faces and take off their shoes. Petrifying stuff. Roald was so creative. Did you know he wrote Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? Even that story gets a bit dicey at times … so anyway, back to The Witches. Yeah, witches are coming to turn you into a mouse, forcing your loved ones to commit murder by killing what they believe is a gross rodent … sure it’s a convoluted way to kill someone, yet effective.

Scorpio (Scorpion): October 24–November 21
You’re all good with spiders, yeah? Sure you are, they keep their distance, you can completely ignore them. No harm, no foul. Except for one tiny detail … There’s a spider near you that can’t be ignored. It’s too close, and it’s hungry, and it’s not just any old spider. It’s an Acromantula. King Biter and Demon Fang are some of her other names. Yes, she’s female, don’t be an arachnophobic sexist prick. Female spiders can murder innocent children. Grow up, it’s twenty twenty-four!

Sagittarius (Archer): November 22–December 21
The Siren is going to be paying you a visit, but not how you might expect. You may have already noticed the presence of Christmas decorations popping up in shop windows and on letterboxes. You might also have picked up on the jingles and hymns playing far too early. The Siren will ensure you can’t escape the merriment! Christmas with love, hope, Celine Dion and Mariah Carey will haunt you every single day for the rest of your life. (Hey Coromind, this one could be copied and pasted into any of the months, I think we’ve all noticed the songs …)

Capricorn (Goat): December 22–January 19
Capricorns are quite far down the list of HorrorScopes and subsequently fall victim to my tired brain and lack of enthusiasm.

Anyway, the Lizard Man is after you, he’s big and scary and stuff, etc. etc. Bow down and die anyway.

Yup, Capricorn’s done.

Aquarius (Water Bearer): January 20–February 18
Just when you thought things couldn’t get weirder, a gelatinous cube has decided to slime its way into your life. As an Aquarius, navigate this gooey predicament, channel your inner scientist. Test its viscosity, and perhaps learn to dance with the cube – or at least avoid stepping in it. Stay curious and nimble! PS: Don’t trust anything that jiggles. And I mean anything #Wink

Pisces (Fish): February 19–March 20
Oh, Pisces, a hydra lurks in your depths. Despite your best efforts, its relentless assault brings your demise. May you find peace in the deep, reflecting on all that you achieved in life … Though none of your achievements come to mind right now, surely there must be something to hold on to … surely #awkward