There is that saying that unforgiveness is like you swallowing poison hoping
that the other person will die.
On a recent podcast with Altbays in Whitianga, I stated that I had forgiven a close relative of mine. I decided to forgive to restore a friendship I had had while growing up and extend the olive branch for the benefit of whānau and being true to myself.
Forgiveness at this time and in this situation for some would have been hard, so the question is how did this come quite so easily to me?
Learning to create a work of art and walk away with no sense of attachment or neediness for this to be seen by anyone has been a powerful lesson that has helped me let go of attachments not just to the art I create with rocks but in all other aspects of my life as a designer, musician and human.
Forgiveness had always been rolemodelled to me by my amazing nana (Aunty Ada) and her uncompromising Christian beliefs that she lived out in her everyday life. She always said that we should forgive and love others. She was known for helping and loving others no matter their backgrounds or indiscretions. As a child, I didn’t understand the idea of this or the impact her teachings would have later in my life.
I believe the realisation of what forgiveness is came through my hardest life experience in the form of my 20-year marriage ending in betrayal. The intense hurt and the broken hearts both my children and I endured was life impacting and, at times, painful to live through.
It was a year and a half of living as a solo mum where times were extremely hard, especially for my children who no longer had a father who showed up for them or even contacted them. I was carrying unforgiveness for them and myself. I found, through the pure exhaustion of carrying so many negative dark and depressing feelings, that I needed to forgive for my own
sanity and journey to healing. My nana’s example and, at the time, Christian values were what I turned to. It wasn’t mere lip service, though; I knew I needed this for myself.
There is that saying that unforgiveness is like you swallowing poison hoping that
the other person will die. This was honestly how I felt before I forgave. My ex-husband didn’t care; he had moved on with his life and was happy and preparing to get married again. My unforgiveness was a waste of my time, detrimental to my children, a drain on my energy and a block to my own healing journey.
I’m not saying it was easy or that at times I didn’t slip into old thought patterns. I will never forget, but I definitely forgave, and I know this to be true because I can talk about him without any ill feelings. Now, I am thankful for the good times we had in our marriage and, of course, our amazing children. At the time I didn’t know if I would even survive the type of hurt I was experiencing, let alone believe I would ever forgive.
Forgiveness isn’t for the other person; it’s for you. There isn’t a big ceremony or even the need to contact the person to announce your forgiveness of them; it’s an inward change in attitude and a letting go which releases you and allows you, I believe, to move forward. Whether it’s the extending of an olive branch or the thought process about poison, it’s definitely all about your own journey and what’s best for you.
Words by Awhina Mikaere
