Listening like you mean it
You know what I’ve been thinking about lately? Those endless Christmas ads showing partners unwrapping shiny new gadgets with delighted faces. (Spoiler alert: No one is actually that excited about getting a vacuum cleaner, even if it is ‘smart’!)
Here’s a question for you: When was the last time you truly listened to your beloved? Not that half-listening we all do while mentally preparing tomorrow’s shopping list or scrolling through social media. I mean really listened – the kind of listening that makes someone feel like they’re the only person in the world?
Let me share something that happened in my own relationship recently – a moment that reminded me how easy it is to slip into autopilot, even when you teach this stuff! There I was, ‘listening’ to my lover share something about his day. You know, the kind of listening where you’re nodding along while mentally composing your shopping list and wondering if you remembered to hang out the washing. (Oh come on, we all do it!)
Then I caught myself. Here I am, someone who literally writes about the power of presence, pulling the classic half-attention move! So I did what I’m always encouraging others to do – I took a breath, put down my phone, turned to fully face my man, and actually tuned in. The look on his face when he realised he had my complete attention? It was like watching someone step into sunlight. And you know what? That quick chat turned into one of our most connected conversations that week.
“The look on his face when he realised he had my complete attention? It was like watching someone step into sunlight”.
This is what I love about relationships – they’re constant opportunities for growth. Even when you know all the techniques, even when you teach them to others, you still have to choose presence again and again. And sometimes (okay, often!) you mess it up, catch yourself, and start fresh. These moments of genuine connection are where your Couple Power truly activates – transforming everyday conversations into opportunities for deeper intimacy and understanding.
Want to try this at home? Here’s how to master these three game-changing moves:
- PAUSE: This is your moment to get present. Put that phone away (yes, even if it’s face-down!) Turn toward your partner. Let your face show you’re all ears. This isn’t just listening – it’s listening body, heart and soul. Stay fully present. Do NOT start mentally preparing your response while they are speaking, just listen.
- PLAY BACK: Before you jump in with your own thoughts, how you are going to solve it, or a story about when that happened to you, mirror back what you’ve heard. “So what you’re saying is …” It’s not about being a parrot – it’s about checking you’ve really got what they’re saying. Sometimes they’ll even say, “Well, not exactly …” and BOOM – you’re already having a deeper conversation!
- PROBE with curiosity: This is where it gets juicy. Instead of problem-solving (I know, it’s tempting!), stay curious. Ask things like “What matters most to you about this?” or “How are you feeling about it now?” These questions aren’t just about getting information – they’re about showing you care enough to want to understand their world.
Here’s the beautiful thing – this kind of listening isn’t just for deep and serious talks.It’s for all talks, when they’re sharing a random thought, or even when they’re just telling you about that weird dream they had. Every time you listen like this, you’re basically saying, “You matter. Your thoughts matter. Your feelings matter.”
“Every time you listen like this, you’re basically saying, ‘You matter. Your thoughts matter. Your feelings matter.’ “
So this Christmas, while you’re wrapping those carefully chosen presents, remember – the gift of your presence, your genuine attention, your curious heart – that’s the present that keeps on giving. And unlike those Christmas socks, it’s one size fits all!
If you want to know more, go to Confident Loving Man and look for the Couple Power button.
Aroha nui,
Lana & Matiu
Words by Lana Garland
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