When someone is talking to you, the first step is simply to pay attention to them as a person
Listening is something we all do, all the time, wherever we are. At home we listen to our partners, our families, our friends. At work, we listen to our staff, our colleagues, our bosses. But how well do we listen to them? How well do we really hear what they’re trying to tell us? Most listening specialists (and many of the people we listen to) would say “Not too well!”
But why all the fuss about Listening? Why is it so important? Well, it’s important because until people have a sense that they’ve been listened to, they’re just going to keep trying to tell you what you’ve already heard. And that gets boring, for you and for them! But even more importantly, good listening will help the person you’re listening to clarify what they really want to say! Better for them, better for you!
Here is a 3-step process which will help you to listen better. It is a simple, practical and powerful way to hear more of what people are trying to say to you.
- Attend to what the speaker is saying
- Reflect back what you are hearing
- Expand on what is being said.
Here are some tips on how do each of these things more effectively. And to give yourself a good starting point, you could ask for some feedback from someone who spoke to you recently. Listen to it carefully!
Attend
When someone is talking to you, the first step is simply to pay attention to them as a person. This will create a climate in which they feel valued, safe and respected. In turn the speaker will be able to express himself or herself more confidently and accurately.
Here are some Attending hints:
- Turn to face the speaker and make some eye contact with them
- Leave your phone or keyboard alone!
- Show some signs of interest: nod, grunt, mm-hmm, etc.
- Listen for their thoughts, feelings and intentions (we’ll talk more about that in a future article
- Put your own thoughts and reactions aside as best you can.
Reflect
The next step in the process is to let the speaker know you are hearing what’s being said. You may not understand what you’re hearing but don’t worry. Reflecting what you’ve heard will lead to clarification for both you and the speaker! This stage is often referred to as ‘Holding up the mirror’.
Ways of Reflecting:
- Repeat back some key points that you’re hearing:
“So A happened, then B …”
- Check your understanding of what’s being said:
“Let me see if I’ve got this right …”
- Offer a summary of what you’ve heard:
“Sounds to me like you’re feeling …”
Expand
The speaker should by now be feeling positive about being heard and you can start to interact around the topic and expand the conversation. A well-timed open question can help the speaker consider their next step, evaluate an alternative or see their situation from a different point of view. A poorly-timed closed question can end the conversation.
To Expand effectively:
- Use questions which require more than a yes or no answer:
“What are your thoughts or feelings about this?”
- Offer suggestions or possibilities in the form of a question:
“How would it be to…”
- Help the speaker to clarify their goal:
“What would you like to see happen here?”
Take some time to reflect on how well you operate in each of these areas and make some notes for yourself about what you could Keep, Stop or Start doing as a listener.
And remember to ask yourself: ”ARE you listening?”
-Words by Dave Burton
Artwork by Lucas Rocha
